Local shopper, Walter Ackman, was last seen three days ago entering The Gap at approximately 6:00 p.m. (last known location pictured on left). Video surveillance shows him entering The Gap but never exiting the store.
Sales associates at The Gap reported that Mr. Ackman stood in front of a rack of brightly colored t-shirts for nearly three hours trying to decide which t-shirt to purchase. The image to the left showing this colored t-shirt rack was provided by the Sunrise Hills mall security and will hopefully help local police determine the events preceding Mr. Ackman’s disappearance.
Our sources were able to speak with the dressing room attendant, who stated, “Yeah that guy. He came in and out of the dressing room at least a hundred times trying on those goddamn t-shirts. He tried on the purple one at least 20 times. He actually wound up having to wait on himself. Seriously, he kept coming back and forth to the dressing rooms so quickly that he had to wait like 10 minutes for me to pick up all his fucking shirts.”
Local police are currently on the scene trying to locate Mr. Ackman. Their working hypothesis is that he became so emotionally overwhelmed while trying to decide which t-shirt to buy that he assumed the fetal position and hid underneath one of the many clothing racks. They believe that he is either unconscious or in a state of shock. Police are reportedly conducting a grid by grid search of the store, beginning at the southwest corner.
Given the extensive search protocol and length of time it will take to fully search the store, local mall vendors have begun aiding the police. Auntie Anne’s Pretzel Company has already supplied the police with over 500 cinnamon sugar pretzel bites as well as unlimited tap water.
Although the police are skeptical about whether or not they will find Mr. Ackman, his wife reported that he “has done thing kind of thing before.” She told sources that a few weeks ago he spent almost five hours at their local grocery store trying to decide which frozen pizza to buy. She later found him cramped inside the store’s freezer curled up in a ball. Mr. Ackman later reported that the stress associated with choosing between the meat lovers and five cheese pizza was too overwhelming.
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