Marco Rubio hits a child in face with a football – child reportedly dies on impact Neurosurgeon, Ben Carson, promotes medical procedure that will make you dumb enough to vote for him Donald Trump continues to demonstrate… Read More ›
Welcome to our Headlines section, where the news stories are quick and dirty. Are you an overachieving reader? Do you hate this section for absolutely no reason? No sweat, visit our Articles section!!
Sources reported that local fat man, Tom Morris, accidentally ate a small Hispanic child at a Mexican restaurant, where he frequently dines. Mr. Morris stated that the child looked exactly like a burrito and that he’s really sorry. The… Read More ›
Since receiving her short haircut, actress Ginnifer Goodwin continues to be mistaken for a preadolescent male. Although the film industry is aware that she is not in fact a young boy, the Walt Disney Company continues to offer her… Read More ›
Sources reported that Phil Robertson from A&E’s popular show, Duck Dynasty, recently discovered what appears to be a small child hidden in his overwhelmingly large beard. Experts speculate that this male child is four years of age and was able… Read More ›
Local sources recently reported that Danielle Jacobs, also known as “the lonely depressed woman in her mid-fifties who has a lot of cats and no life,” just ran out of space on the rear windshield of her minivan. Ms…. Read More ›
Sources have just reported that a local man declared his 2015 New Year’s resolution, which is to keep his New Year’s resolution. Image: “Bing.com images“
Sources reported that a local ice cream man recently divulged disturbing news to nine-year-old Trent Wilson. Apparently, he told Trent that each of the six colors of his favorite Fruity Pops all taste the same. Trent later told sources that his world pretty… Read More ›
Contrary to Coca-Cola’s popular commercials, a recent study demonstrated that polar bears actually prefer fresh blood from a recent kill to a bottle of Coke. After presenting the polar bears with either an injured seal or a refreshing bottle of… Read More ›
Woman with cricket chirping ringtone triggers three-month subway closure to fumigate for crickets. Image attribution: “Flickr Ed Yourdon“
Despite receiving no response, a local man at the zoo continues to plead with a gecko to lower his car insurance deductible. Image attribution: “Flickr Madagascar Giant Day Gecko” by Nick Michalski.
Random guy that nobody knows still playing peekaboo with everyone at library. Image attribution: “bigthink.com”
Phil Spector unaware that birds have been nesting on top of his head for the past three weeks. Image attribution: “3.bp.blogspot.com”
Woman excludes approximately 98.2% of the male dating pool by stating that she is looking for a man who is both honest and caring. Image attribution: “Flickr Working on laptop” by Hans Kristian Aas.
Captchas are used to verify that you are an actual person and not an automated program or “bot.” Although they help to limit spam and increase online security, they are becoming increasingly difficult to read. A recent survey indicated that… Read More ›
A new horror film, “The Chase,” received poor reviews from local movie critics. The film opens with a young teenage girl screaming while running away from an unknown entity. The screaming and running continues uninterrupted for approximately 72 minutes. At… Read More ›
Father blow torches child’s toy in a last-ditch effort to open it after wrestling with the packaging for 4 hours. Image attribution: “Injury.com” This image was not altered.
9 out of 10 dentists agree that the 10th dentist is a fucking liar. Image attribution: “Flickr Dentist Assortment” by Dawn Schwanke. This image was not altered.
Fox News recently interrupted their worldwide coverage on current events to air a highly specialized and sensitive interview. Through a series of 9 innovative questions asked by prolific journalists, the information acquired in this interview should help to resolve the Russian/Ukranian conflict,… Read More ›
CNN.com recently posted an article entitled, “Junco: What’s the big deal about sexting?” by Rey Junco. If you CLICK HERE for the link to the article, you’ll notice that the following picture is featured for the article: The picture located above,… Read More ›
With only 6 seconds remaining on the street light timer, 33-year-old Tyson Bryce had to make a split-second decision about whether or not he would be able to cross the street in time. Witnesses at the intersection reported that… Read More ›
Local mother, Joann Hughes, recently cashed in on 20+ years of Mother’s Day coupons which were given to her every year by each of her three children, who are now in their 40s. Based on the amount of coupons Mrs. Hughes… Read More ›
No. Image attribution: “Flickr Pet Insurance” by Suna Rahavan. This image was not altered.
For the past several years researchers have been continuously studying other research. Lead investigator of the study told sources that “millions of research studies are conducted each year; however, nobody has ever studied this research.” The investigator stated that their goal… Read More ›
Local five-year old boy, Toby Craven (pictured on left) , recently experienced the first signs of Easter. While shopping at Costco Wholesale with his parents, Toby found an unmarked lot of 6,800 Easter eggs. Toby and his parents immediately “claimed”… Read More ›
An in-depth analysis by a reputable social media research corporation recently confirmed that 98% of attractive womens’ profiles on Twitter, Facebook, and Instagram were actually made by this guy. Image attribution: “http://my.ohio.voyager.net/~bytehead/ByteheadTeoti.jpg” by Bryan. Updated 2007. … Read More ›
Two business partners texting about a business deal were apparently not aware of each others’ presence. The situation became awkward when one man asked the other out to lunch, but the other man opted out by lying, stating that he… Read More ›
Malaysian Airlines reported that they are now exhausting all possible resources to locate flight 370. Although airline executives wanted to employ the Harvard swim team, who is ranked higher than Princeton in the NCAA standings, most of the Harvard students… Read More ›
Although automotive tires are black in color, the Michelin Man, for some reason, is composed of white tires. In order to understand this discrepancy, our sources tracked down the Michelin Man at the National Convention for the Advancement of Everything White. Although… Read More ›
The California couple that fortuitously saved a falling baby while moving their mattress is said to have foiled the baby’s plan of “ending it all.” Image attribution: “Flickr Depressed Baby” by Rachael Dickensheets. This image has not… Read More ›
Ever since researchers at the University of Pennsylvania showed that extended wakefulness can cause neuronal injury and impair cognitive performance, thousands of Americans across the country have stayed up countless nights trying to figure out how to improve their sleep habits…. Read More ›